Recently there have been a handful of the various bloggers I follow that have been prompted to write a letter to their 20-year-old self. I love this idea. However, when I think about writing a letter to my 20-year-old self the only message I can think of is: “um, good luck.” My 20s were, quite possibly, more fraught with regrettable moments than my teen years. Yes, really.

As I thought more about this letter-to-self-idea, I realized that there is a much better letter I have to write: the one to my Newly Married Self. Part of the reason for this is that as of today, I am now 10 years married. This is somewhat of a landmark occasion because I find myself proud that I can say that I have done anything for 10 years. I was a vegetarian for 8 long painful bacon-less years, my longest relationship (before this one) lasted no more than 5 years, my oldest child is just now 6 1/2 years, I haven’t owned a car more than 10 years, hell, I guess this marriage thing is the longest I have lasted at just about anything. Add to this combo that I have – on and off – known my husband for 24 years, this is somewhat monumental.

So, without further fanfare, here it goes.

Dear Newly Married Natalie,

Firstly, congratulations! You planned yourself a lovely and yet tastefully casual wedding. Wise choice on the oysters, they were a smashing hit. You would have been way better off to go with the live band, but alas, everyone loved the group-funded-disco-money-dance. And now with that out of the way, on to the rest of your life.

This decision you made about quitting your lucrative job to head back to finish up your degree will be worth it. Trust me. I know giving up that mac-daddy house with the view of the bay and hosting the weekly Friday-night happy hour gathering spot is pretty much excruciating – and to be perfectly honest, it will be for a while. Be prepared for a major life shift. This is one of those decisions that will be painful for a while, but eventually will make sense in the big picture.

Now that you have thrown yourself back into school, I know you are feeling stressed about that whole Grad School thing. Don’t. You have way bigger fish to fry my friend. Corporate life may seem enchanting, but you need to understand that being a 27-year-old re-entry student complicates issues a bit.

I know that kids are the last thing you are thinking about right now, but I need to be straight with you on this one: kids are in your future. I won’t give away the details, but oh my god sister, don’t go into this lightly. This is going to be a defining issue in your life in more ways than you could ever imagine. I CAN’T STRESS THIS ENOUGH.

Although you and Steve have been together for over 3 years, you are embarking on a journey of uncharted territory. But know this: you have picked the right man. He is smart. He is kind. He unconditionally loves you and isn’t afraid to let you know. He is not perfect. Neither are you. And it is this last part that is going to make things hard. Very hard, sometimes. But you have found someone who is willing, and able, if not always capable – ironically, the same as he has found in you. Don’t lose sight of the fact that you both are broken, but committed. Some refer to this phenomenon as Soulmates.

As 10-year married Natalie, I can tell you this: when they say marriage is work, it is not a dorky cliche. It really is. And the best thing you can have on your side is someone who is committed to being by your side. And you, Natalie, have found that person. So work a little harder at not being such a hard-ass. Believe me, it will be worth it.

Okay, okay, here’s just one picture. But don’t tell anyone. And don’t worry, he’ll hack off this hillbilly beard soon.

With Love and Encouragement,
Your 10-Year-Married-Self

Last Wednesday was Steve and I’s 9th wedding anniversary. And, being that we met in August of 1987, that brings our sum total of knowing each other up to a whopping 22 years. Twenty. Two. Years. I find it disturbing that I can say that I have done anything for 22 years. There was a time when just being 22 was big. Steve didn’t really help when he clarified that – technically – we could have a child in college right now. Technically, I should have punched him.

Which brings me back to us. To us. To our daily ritual of life, and how those rituals and routines create the kind of comfort and repetition that make up our lives together. Things have certainly gotten more complicated and distracting and some of those routines are not exactly, um, how shall I say this – productive routines, but the way I see it, that is what an anniversary is for. It is not just a point of celebration, but a point of reflection. A New Year’s Resolution time for the relationship. As it turns out, this entire year has actually kind of been like that for us.

The giant distractionater known as kids&jobs&house&breathing all consume what might otherwise be spent focusing our attentions on forming some productive relationship rituals. And as we have cycled up and down and sideways (and sometimes even backwards), we have been reminded of the importance of re-engaging ourselves with one another as not-parent, not-homeowner, not-employee people – but instead as husband and wife, and more importantly, as friends.

And all that blah, blah, blah is just my way of saying that this year, our anniversary wasn’t a trip or a big expensive gift to one another, but instead, a giant post-it note taped to each of our foreheads to remind ourselves to pay attention more. We went to a movie. We cooked. We invited our friends over. We indulged in a fancy new bottle of tequila. More importantly, we promised to remind each other to do all of it more. And not just for each other, but for ourselves.

So, cheers. To us. To 9 years. To 22 years. And more importantly, to not having a child in college…yet.