By the time you are my age, these – by default – will be genetically spliced into your nervous system.
Beerly legal
Why Justin, I thought you were a pale ale man!
Facts you won’t learn on “Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom”
Steve to Stella while mom eavesdrops from an adjacent room:
“You know Stella, humans have amazingly resiliant foreheads. Foreheads are far more durable, than, say, the side of the head. For instance, they were useful to our prehistoric ancestors in that they would kill gazelles in the wild by head-butting them to death.”
Wherein we revisit the caveman issue
So, turning 33 aint so bad. I had a pretty sweet party (aside from that STUPID sore throat thing) wherein I was able to show off my bitchin new remodel and was showered with luxurious gifts from all of my adoring fans. Thank you, thank you my dahlings. I am now the owner of a S-W-E-E-T new iPod, my daughter’s penchant for emotional meltdowns has reached an all time low (listen here for sound of knocking on wood), and my husband is now home for the entire duration of the summer for the first time in 6 years. Hello honey-do list!
Now that I am a mature 33 year old, I feel like it is prime time for me to do something, well, mature. So, I am making a concerted effort to better my parenting skills by reading a book that compares toddlers to neanderthals. According to the author, Stella is in a phase where she is no longer a chimp, but rather, a “knee-high neanderthal,” well on her way to being a “clever cave-kid.” Apparently, her ability to fashion anything into a tool of destruction is akin to her adult ancestors of 2 million years ago. Likewise, her newfound ability to problem-solve cultivates a cockiness that negates the ability to consider any point of view other than their own. I will be clubbed over the head with a wooden block any day now. Oh wait, I already have.
The recommendation for dealing with Betty Rubble involves me grunting single syllable words at her in order to make her feel like her feelings are being acknowledged: “You. Mad. GRRRR. Mad. Mad. Mad. Want to stay at park. Stay. Stay Stay.” Um, yeah, I don’t think so. I appreciate the suggestion, but I think I’ll go out on my own on this one. Come on. I think the whole host of other ridiculous, embarrasing, goofy things I have to do on a regular basis have used up all my humility points for – oh, say – THE REST OF MY LIFE!!! To his credit, I have, at least, tried acknowledging her feelings, letting her know that I understand exactly why she is mad. But note – I do this with regular words and in a regular tone of voice. And what do you know? It really does help diffuse the situation enough to get her into a reasonable space — at least long enough to actually try to distract her with gifts and sugary treats.
So, as you can see, I am bettering my 33-year-old self already. And at this rate, who knows — maybe I’ll even be grown up enough to stop mocking NASCAR fans. Or not.
Gotta Hemi?
My Favoritest Things
Hi Dadeeeee!
Mom let me use the computer to write to you for Father’s Day. She said she will do something called editing…whatever that is. I don’t care — I just like hitting the keys and clicking the mouse pad.
Dadeeee, you are the greatest. I have so much fun with you. These are the things I like the most:
- When you read me stories. Mom says you don’t really read the words that are on the page, but I don’t care. You make the stories better. You tell me stuff about the characters that isn’t in the book and add cool other stuff too — like when you read me Walter the Farting Dog and make all the good farting noises. I am getting really good and making them too.
- When we spend fun time together in the morning. I like getting up early and so do you. It is always fun when we play together in the mornings, especially on the weekends when you and I make breakfast and play and stuff. I love it when you make me cheesy eggs and we sit on the floor and eat together. Plus, you pick out really good clothes for me (even though Mom says sometimes you don’t).
- I love it when you come home from work. I always drop whatever I am doing when I hear the front door open and run to find you. That is my favorite.
- We do lots of fun stuff in the yard. We find worms and bugs and pick berries and smell flowers. You let me help you when you are working. I am a good helper. Remember when we picked all those berries and made a pie? That was so fun. We ate pie everyday for breakfast, and you said, “Stella, you are lucky that I am someone who understands that pie is always appropriate for breakfast.” Yum!
Dadeeee, you are the best. You always play with me and tell me lots of good stuff about the things I find in the yard. You never get mad at me and always kiss my owies. I am so lucky that I have such a nice dadeeee.
Happy Father’s Day. I love you, Dadeeee!