Ingredients: a 2 year old, gooey cookie batter, a set of beaters, a grandmother with the reckless abandon that only a grandmother can have.
Go down memory lane and take a sharp left at the giant butt.
Steve came across a back-up disc from our old computer and Mom, Steve and I ended up going through old photos and random goofy documents. This was life just a few short years ago, but it seems like a lifetime has passed. One of the better bonding moments occurred when the three of us stumbled across a photo of Steve’s bare butt. Steve said I could post it, but only if I photoshopped in a really cool “ass-tat”…specifically, “like a big Mom-heart, but definitely no butterflies or dolphins.” I’ll see what I can do.
In 1999 we organized a trip to San Juan Island (Washington) for ourselves and 7 of our close family and friends. The following is an excerpt from the entertainment program that we included in the informational email we sent to everyone. I think it is safe to say that it’s a good thing that on career day we were never steered towards the cruise ship and/or hospitality service industry table.
Entertainment Program:
We worked long and hard putting together a program that we thought would best benefit everyone. It was also quite an undertaking making sure we capitalized on everyone’s individual talent and natural abilities to create an effective line-up chock full of fun frivolity and the unabashed hilarity that this group is known for.
Sunday:
Dani: The charismatic presence that Dani brings to any gathering must not be overlooked. It is for this reason (and because of her innate skill of belching on command) that we felt that it would be an outright tragedy not to feature her as our opening act. With that in mind we have decided to appoint Dani to the job of emcee for the entire week’s entertainment. Sunday she will open the week’s line-up with her one-woman show “One Lunch Does Not a Taco Make†then regale us with fun and frivolity as she ushers in each night’s act.Monday:
Andy: You have heard of the Yo-Man, and you have heard of Cajun-Man, but have you heard of Haiku-Man? This little known aspect of Andy’s secret passions will be shared with you as he reads from his first book of published works, titled This book is Haiku – See it is easy to do – Shoo-be-do-be-do “Most people don’t understand how easy this shit is. All you have to do is count syllables – it doesn’t matter what you say or if it rhymes, which is where I think my talent comes in. You see, I not only can match the syllable pattern, but I make it rhyme too.†– quote from Andy in the New York Times Book Review.Tuesday:
Celene & Thad: The Amazing Thadini and his lovely assistant Celenini will keep you on the edge of your seat as they perform your favorite old classics such as The Disappearing Loud-Mouthed, Opinionated Anderson Daughters (one of Andy’s all time favorites) and Pull a Wine Bottle out of my Hat to his newest foray into Hypnosis wherein he will have Brad spouting the wonderful leadership skills and exemplary personal constitution of President Clinton.Wednesday:
Brad: It’s the show we have all been waiting for. Brad has agreed to allow us the opportunity to experience his hit “Marilyn Revue†wherein he performs his forever memorable number “Happy Birthday Mister President†adorned in his authentic replica gown mirroring the one worn by Marilyn on that infamous night. This is a ‘don’t miss’ night!Thursday:
Gail & Annie: There was no question in our minds who would be the stars of our “Wet and Wild†night. Coming straight off their Hawaiian Tropics Wet T-Shirt tour Gail and Annie are the perfect contestants to host our night of fun, frolicking and debauchery. Have your hoses and water pitchers ready – as these girls really know how it’s done!Friday:
Natalie: “Sultry…Sexy…Soulful,†raved Rolling Stone about Natalie’s latest vocal masterpiece. Never before has yodeling been brought to this level. Hearing protection will be available as Ms. Anderson belts out the favorites: “Oh where oh where has my mountain goat gone?â€, the classic “Saint Bernards make good lovers†and “That’s no poodle, that’s my strudel.†Watch in amazement as Natalie whips out her Alpenhorn and plays R&B classics in her sexy Lederhosen. The consummate showperson, she’ll slow the mood down. With lights dimmed, join in for an acoustic version of Cumbaya sung in a round in her native tongue. Revving up for the finale, Natalie’s costume will be a showstopper. We can’t reveal the surprise, but in the words of Playboy, “…check out those Matterhorn’s!â€Saturday:
Steve: As many of you may or may not know, Steve has a long history in the theatrical presentation style of interpretive dance. As a tribute to our stay in the Whale Watch Hideaway wherein we are poised to see some of the most grand creatures of our animal kingdom – Orca whales and Bald Eagles, Steve will present us all with his dance “Soaring blubber: Journey to Nirvana.†Steve will be accompanied by a member of the local Imaheehaw tribe who will be playing one of the few remaining Orca bladder drums. It will be a night of tights, thumping, prancing and social commentary – you won’t want to miss this show.
Little Enchilada, Jr.
Lately, Stella has become a giant mirror in which we see a reflection of ourselves, our actions and our words. Sometimes it’s funny, sometimes startling, mostly, however it is a wake-up call as to the example we are setting for our first-born child.
Although we love to cook, we also enjoy not to cook – more specifically, we like to eat out. Actually, more specifically than that, we like to take out. In particular, we like to take out from the mexican food restaurant 6 short blocks from our house. Partially this is because it is a.) easy, b.) good, c.) cheap, and d.) because Stella loves mexican food. In particular she worships at the altar of the enchilada – a trait she inherited from her father who held the childhood nickname of “Little Enchilada.” Stella can consume an entire enchilada, rice and beans in one sitting – usually without even stopping for a breath. We are so proud.
Beyond her love of the all-mighty enchilada plate, she now knows the procedure for how it magically arrives on her plate. In fact, tonight when we made the all-too-predictable decision to get take-out from Rita’s, Stella brought me the phone and authoritatively told me, “Here Mommy, call restaurant people and tell them enchilada.” She then promptly turned to Steve and said, “Daddy, my go to restaurant wit you?” It is, of course, at this point that Steve and I make eye contact long enough to realize we are both thinking the same thing: We have become our own worst nightmare. Again.
In searching for a silver lining I can only find consolation in the fact that nowhere in these exchanges is she requesting a Happy Meal, a Coke or a Forty.
Describing this pregnancy based solely in terms of food consumption
With rare exception, my daily diet includes every item on this list.
- Oranges: Satsumas, Cara Caras, Ivanhoe Navels (breakfast, snacks)
- Apples: Pink Ladies (lunchtime, with peanut butter)
- Peanut Butter: Safeway Organic (breakfast, as sandwich)
- Hot Dogs: Beeler’s All Natural (uncured) Pork Hot Dogs (lunch, without bun, with lots of mustard)
- Sparkling Mineral Water: Crystal Geyser (at least 2 a day)
- Almonds: Tamari roasted (lunch, snacks)
- Sugar: However I can get it.
It’s kind of disturbing to see it all written down at once. I don’t know whether to be proud or embarassed.
Our newest addition
Before I even begin: NO, I have not had the baby. I am not in labor, nor am I feeling particularly clairvoyant and able to tell if I will be in labor anytime soon. Believe me, we’ll let you know.
Now that we have that out of the way…
I am finally experiencing the freedom to sit down and use the computer without the feeling that someone is hovering uncomfortably in the background waiting to pounce the moment I leave my seat. Not only do I have to deal with Stella’s relentless insistence that we spend hours at sesamestreet.com, but I now have a husband who has finally begun to realize his dream as a web person. He has managed to weasel himself into a position of some power in regards to the Mac High website, and has been spending countless hours working on a new content management system with which they will host their pages.
Why then all of a sudden am I free to use the computer to update my blog with 4 days worth of compiling posts? Well, it might have to do with the fact that I am staring at a box that just arrived from Dell. Inside this box is a laptop computer that someone has convinced me “we have been discussing for months” and impulsively purchased last week “because it was such a sweet deal!”
It is really sad to watch a grown man trying to supress his urges to rip the box open (which he eventually did), pull out the computer and start geeking out in set-up and configuration mode. Every ten minutes or so, he walks over to the box and pulls a new component out “just to look” or “just to get this part charging” or “just stare at it lovingly and stroke it’s lovely blue chassis” It is just sad, people.
The upside is that I will now have more time to use the computer, if I so choose. The downside is that I am about ready to double my pleasure (and my fun) in the kid department, and don’t foresee a time when the two of us will ever be able to sit for extended periods of time at a computer simultaneously.
But come on, it was such a great deal!