As a kid, I remember my mother being an insanely light sleeper. It would not be at all uncommon for me to wake up in the middle of the night, pad into their bedroom and just stand there – knowing that it was prohibited for me to wake them up for something as trivial as warning them of the three-headed axe-wielding alien laying in wait outside my window. Instead I would just stand there. Being in their presence for 5 or 10 minutes would inevitably allow me the courage to head back to bed with the confidence that I would not be eaten in my sleep. This time.

More times than not, the next morning the conversation would go a little like this:

Mom: “Why did you come into our room last night?”
Me: “How did you know I was there?”
Mom: “I could hear you breathing.”

I have been a fairly solid sleeper most of my life, and as I neared the end of my pregnancy with Stella I began to wonder how that would impact my ability to tend to the nightly rituals of feeding and whatnot. Along with the many other physiological changes that take place once one becomes a mother, sleep habits become irretrievably fouled. I now wake up at the sound of Stella’s footsteps before she even leaves her bedroom. Basically, I can hear her breathing.

So you will understand how disturbed I was this morning when I woke up with the distinct feeling that sometime during the night I was abducted by aliens. Here is what I remember. I went to bed at 10-ish, and at some point I remember waking up realizing that not only was Steve to my right, but Stella was to my left (first of all, how did she get there, and secondly, why is it I am always the one stuck in the middle?). Then, there was some point at which I heard Porter making his thumb-chewing noise. Then, the next thing I know, it is 6:15, I am alone in bed and Steve is telling me to get up, already. And all I can think is Where is Stella? How did she get into our bed? When did she get into our bed? When did she get out of our bed? Did Porter sleep all night? COULD SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON?

Steve said that he got up with Stella twice, and then at 12:30 I let her get into bed with us (which, knowing my policy on this issue, he said completely baffled him). Porter got up at 4:30, and when Steve put him back to bed at 5:30, he moved Stella into her bed. Then, she didn’t get up until almost 7:00! AS IN, 2 HOURS PAST 5:00! Okay, this is just getting wierd.

So can someone please explain to me how he who sleeps with a giant, noisy wind machine strapped to head head wakes up for all this activity and I don’t? Was there a roofie slipped into that handful of M&M’s I ate after dinner? And, NO, I know what you are all thinking: I wasn’t drinking!

I guess, instead of obsessing about all of this I should be rejoicing. My son slept from 8 to 4:30 without the aid of any painkillers, I was able to actually sleep with my daughter in bed next to me, and I clocked 8 straight hours of sleep with only some minor disturbances.

Maybe I’ll have a shirt made: I was abducted by aliens and all I got was a good night’s sleep