He Screams, He Spits, He Wins!

My son works in rage the way an artist might work in paint or clay. He has mastered it’s subtle nuances and can often bring it to a level that could only be truly achieved by someone who has years perfecting the art of losing one’s shit. Some people take a lifetime to gain this kind of mastery. My son? Yeah, he’s three. On the rare occasions that I choose to actually go to battle with him, I usually end up losing in a bloody blaze of defeat. Most days, I have learned to do my best to stay out of the way. Like right now? Um, he’s sitting at the table eating a bowl of pesto. Not pesto PASTA, just pesto. The battles I choose only tend to be engaged when someone’s life is in danger. Death by garlic breath is not one of them.

Yesterday I had the lucky opportunity of being beaned in the back of the head with a shoe that was hurled from the backseat, which was the preceding act to completely unbuckling the top half of his carseat restraints and beginning to writhe out of the bottom half. All this was over a smoothie that he said he didn’t want, then decided he did, then didn’t, then did, then didn’t. Then I put my foot down, left the drive-through and drove away. Right about the time that I realized the screaming was actually accompanied by a carseat houdini act, I had no choice but to pull over and engage on a full-on wrestling match with my screaming, spitting, firebreathing child – all within just feet of the cars breezing past me on the freeway.

So, you can imagine my joy and anticipation when Steve announced last Friday that he wanted to take both kids to the fair with him. Out of a sense of guilt duty I offered to accompany him, even though this whole fair thing has kind of been established as his own special kid-bonding experience. I knew that him, alone with both children in this overstimulated environment was a disaster in the making. But hey, maybe I was over-reacting, right?

Let’s just say that $75 and 2 hours later, we emerged from the fairgrounds dirty, sticky, tear-streaked and just barely clinging to life.

I did my best to try and take pictures of the moments when the kids were actually smiling. You know, trying to just remember the good times. After all, Isn’t that rule #1 in the parenting manual?

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Commencement

Last night was Stella’s official graduation from pre-school. Each of the children at the center were invited to participate in the ceremonies regardless of whether they were graduating or not. Both kids were honored for their special contributions and achievements – Stella for teaching all the new kids about the school rules, and Porter for learning circle time rules. My basic interpretation of this was, “Thank you Stella for your productive channeling of your bossiness, and thank you Porter for no longer inciting circle-time riots.” That perky eduspeak doesn’t fool me.

This being Humboldt County, the kids all wore their homemade tie-die t-shirts in lieu of graduation gowns and, with the single exception of my son, they also wore their homemade mortar boards. Upon hearing his name called to come up and receive his certificate of achievement, Porter naturally chose to bolt in the opposite direction. That is, until he saw that each of the certificate was accompanied by an ice-cream-cone-cupcake, at which point he was lured back to the podium to participate in the ceremony.

Congratulations, preschool. You now only have one Walston to contend with.

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(click on photo to see the full set)

Porter takes on pre-school. Porter wins.

Today was Porter’s first official day of preschool. And although you might think I’d go on and on about all the gory details of how it was, and what he did, and who he played with, the much more interesting part of the story is how it affected the three other people in the household. Because for him, today could be singularly summed up by the fact that he FINALLY got full run of that rockin’ playground that heretofore taunted him like an unattainable jewel; the same playground structure that required I pick up Stella first every day because if I dared take him with me to pick her up I spent the better part of 15 minutes chasing and coaxing him down from it’s beautiful towering steel goodness. And now it is his, all his, and all I can say is good luck pre-school staff – now it’s your job to bribe him off the wiggly bridge.

Aside from that, today’s exercise in transition was all business.

The other three members of this family, on the other hand, obsessed at length about how he would do. In case you haven’t figured it out already, Porter’s not exactly known for his emotional stability. I was dreading the thought of leaving a tear-streaked, screaming face staring out at me as I drove away, and Steve had to touch an extra couple of doorknobs before leaving this morning. Stella, on the other hand, slid effortlessly into the protective older sister role, voicing her increasing concern about how the other kids would treat him and where exactly his cubby would be located – across from hers? Hmmm, no, next to – definitely next to. For the last week she has been incessantly coaching him on the dos and don’ts of preschool, and from the moment I dropped them both off, she was micromanaging his every move. By the time I left she had him involved in an elaborate felt-board diorama and was already writing his first developmental performance evaluation.

Of all the photos I took this morning these two are my favorite. The first one because it honestly and truly captures the eccentric nature of my children. Whenever I look at it, it makes me think their names should have been “Baroness Philomena VonWalstonstein” and “Jeb Cooter Walsterelli” The second one captures them in that sweet and special way that reminds me why I would ever have been crazy enough to choose to have two.

stella and porter

stella and porter

The clothes make the Walston

Here’s the scene. I’m walking through the grocery store and come upon one of Porter’s peeps from school with his mom. She has her 5-week-old daughter snuggled in the porta-carseat, which is perched atop the grocery cart. We greet one another, then proceed to greet each other’s children. I comment to her son how much I love his shoe choice of one yellow swim sandal and one red Keen. She looks at my son who also is, I might add, wearing swim sandals and an outfit that he has had on his person for the better part of 5 solid days (including sleeping time). We laugh. We shrug. We admit that we don’t have the emotional energy to care anymore. Then we go on our way, both feeling just a little less alone.

When Porter came along I remember thinking BOOYAH! no more ridiculous arguments about clothing. I have a son. They don’t give a crap. Right? Um, let me clear that one up: WRONG. I honestly can’t say which one of my children is worse when it comes to persnickety clothing issues. It is uncommon for us to go a single day without someone in this house crying about their clothes. While Stella’s temperament and reasoning is sort of based in a logic THAT ONE COULD ONLY FIND ON THE PLANET CRAZY, Porter’s is nothing more than good, old-fashioned toddler angst. Truth be told, I think I have actually found a glimmer of logic in his particular brand of fashion challengedness. And wouldn’t you know it, but all pathways lead back to Mr.-I’ll-Do-It-Myself. He loves his sweat pants and velcro shoes (Hello, Porter? Yeah, 80 is calling – it wants it’s outfit back.) To the best I can figure out, he is attached to the outfits that most accommodate his level of motor skills. Jeans have all those buttons and snaps and – to be perfectly honest – just aren’t as soft and comfy as his sweats. Now, if I could just get him to stop pulling them up to his neck. (What’s that? Oh yeah hi, it’s 80 again…)

Last week, Stella insisted on going to school in her full and complete soccer uniform. It took no small amount of heated discussion to convince her that the cleats were a non-negotiable item. This morning? Well, this morning she went to school in an outfit that can only be described as, well, how exactly does one describe an outfit that includes a green glitter bowler hat?

Oh, and last I checked, we weren’t Irish.

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stella

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porter

Pushed, pulled, wiggled, YANKED!

Last week Stella started complaining that her tooth hurt. My first thought? CAVITY! But upon closer inspection I determined that no, we did not have to commence with a root canal, my girl had her first loose tooth. She has been impatiently waiting for this moment ever since her friends started losing theirs and was downright gleeful that within a short period of time she was going to join the bloody gums club.

By last night I seriously thought she was going to take a pair of pliers to it. Somehow, she managed to contain herself until this morning when I told her that I could see the root and she needed to just PULL IT OUT ALREADY! So she did.

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