I have been conspicuously absent lately mainly because it is hard to write with all that screaming. Porter screaming at no one in particular because he wants a hot dog. No, make that oatmeal. No! a hot dog. Nooooo!, oatmeal. NO!!, both. NO!NO!NO!, neither. NO!, a hot dog IN the oatmeal. WHY DID YOU JUST GIVE ME A HOT DOG IN OATMEAL WHEN I CLEARLY WANTED A WAFFLE? Then there is Stella screaming at me for, well, for THE INJUSTICE OF IT ALL! And that over there in the corner? Well, that is me, screaming into my pillow and re-discovering the reason for drinking on weeknights.

There have been so many highs and lows with Stella lately, I could never truly catalog them all. But the recurring theme goes something like this: I ask Stella to do something. She ignores me. I ask again. She continues to ignore me. I huck a shoe at her. Okay, KIDDING! But not really.

Her need to ignore not just my immediate requests, but larger, more emphatic directives like, oh, say, DON’T GO THREE DOORS DOWN TO YOUR FRIENDS HOUSE WITHOUT TELLING ME FIRST. Yeah, ignored that one too. I came out of the bathroom the other day to find her missing – AGAIN. She had bolted across the street, across the intersection to catch up with her friends who were out on a walk. I could hardly see her through the flames shooting from my nostrils.

And so begins the sequence. I do my best to keep it together and not go all Mommy Dearest on her in the presence of other parents, then once I get her home I begin the 5-part lecture series. The one where I begin the long diatribe about L-I-S-T-E-N-I-N-G. I do everything short of thumping her on the forehead with a giant letter L (for listening- get it?)

This, I have realized, is where my inexperience as a mother – coupled with my task-master tendencies – have kept me from finding success with this issue. Firstly, Stella is 4. Try arguing principal issues with a 4-year-old. No actually, don’t. It doesn’t work. In fact, it does quite the opposite, and you find yourself with a 4-year-old saying things like, “Mommy, can we just be done talking about this now?” To which, I usually respond something like, “Yes, if you can tell me what we have just talked about.” This would be an example of mistake #2: expecting a child who cannot listen to a 2-second request to listen (and repeat) a 10 minute conversation. It actually took me a couple of times to figure this one out. I think more and more, the thought of having to sit through another bedroom chat is a far better deterrent than any other punishment I could conjure.

And round and round we go. 1.) Me talking, 2.) her ignoring, 3.) us ultimately coming to an agreement that she will listen better, 4.) repeat steps 1-3 and follow with a strong cocktail.

As for Porter? Well, he’s just a bag of screaming waiting to be opened. Mostly because neither he (nor his sister, for that matter) are all that great at handling disappointment. No, I’m sorry Buddy, we can’t drive to Grandma’s house right now. [screaming]. No Buddy, we can’t go to the park right now. [screaming] I’m sorry Buddy, but your monkey plate is in the dishwasher right now, you’ll have to use another one. [screaming] And then there’s the tractor. Ohhhhh, the tractor. I am guaranteed to get about 30-40 requests every day to play on a tractor, any tractor. We go to Brain and Andrea’s? He finds the riding lawnmower. We go to Sarah & John’s? He finds the riding lawnmower. The boys’ blood, it runs green & yellow and he would step over our cold dead bodies if he thought there was a truck, tractor or car on the other side.

And yet, because parenting is nothing but a persistent rain-cloud of guilt waiting to unleash it’s torrents of regret, I am perpetually blaming myself. Blaming myself for not having more patience, for doing things even though I know they are only making the situation worse (sarcasm, anyone?), for not being able to figure out when to push and when to just back the hell off. Knowing when to just shrug and laugh has been one of my biggest challenges – mostly because it is the least instinctive thing for me to do, yet when I can finally convince myself to do it, it is often the most effective resolution.

I’m thinking you should probably get used to hearing that last paragraph, because over the next 16 or so years, you are going to be hearing it a lot.